My Struggle with Self-Worth

Most people would probably associate blessings with prosperity: material wealth, possessions, achievements- and I was guilty of having the similar mindset.

All my life I was programmed to jump from one achievement to another. I don’t slow down, I don’t stop my life for anyone. It felt like my worth as a person is based on what I can do or what I can give. I am still working on that part of me. And to be honest, it’s hard. It takes a lot of time and effort to change what has been sculpted not just in my mind but in my very being for years about how I view myself.

In all humility, I realized how I cannot work on this on my own and how much I need to lean on God. And as I fell deeply in love with God, His words written in the Holy Bible taught me how blessed are we even in the most ordinary ways of our day to day life. God’s definition of blessing is different from the world’s perspective. The “blessed” people in the bible are not the wealthiest and the most powerful. The “blessed” people are the ones who got ridiculed, spat on, the least accepted in the society. They are the ones who struggled and experienced the lowest of the low. Some of them are depressed and hopeless and some people experienced different temptations. In Matthew 5:3-12, Jesus taught us about The Beatitudes:

The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you [falsely] because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

The blessed people are the ones who experienced life in the most human way. People like me and you. And even when it is impossible to fully understand God’s ways, this reality showed me a glimpse of how God sees me. That God loves me for who I am and not because of what I do or what I can give. It Is because I am His creation, what is in me, my soul - magnifies the Lord.

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Luke 1:46-47

And Mary said: “My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior”.

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I acknowledged how okay it is to be human. To experience and express emotions and not be ashamed about it. It is okay to break down, be sad and cry. But in spite of all of these, to never stop hanging on to faith, hope, and the greatest of these: love. To never stop believing in love.

I realized how I should step down on assuming the hero’s role. I didn’t have to do any saving anymore because Jesus already did. And all I can do is to point everyone to the Messiah, the one who saves me, my Lord, Jesus Christ.

That it is not about what I can do anymore rather it is about how God can work in me and through me.

Knowing all of these does not end my battle with self-worth. It is a slow and painful process. Blood and tears have been shed and are still shedding. But I needed this as a daily reminder to trust, to surrender and put my sword down and let God do the fighting for me.

This is my testimony. I am not writing this in the midst of sunshine and rainbows. but if you are reading this in the course of storm and tragedies, know that there’s someone like me. You are not alone in this.

And even when this year ended with having the same struggles, may this start if the year give you a renewed strength and hope. Know that you are well taken care of.

I’ll never stop saying that it is through God’s grace that kept me going. In God’s grace I am breathing.

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"Even the moth needed to struggle in order to have wings strong enough to fly."

— Father Mike Schmitz (Lessons on the Emperor Moth Story and Struggle)

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