“Unmasking ADHD”

It’s been awhile! Hi I am Mariella and i am a travel medical laboratory scientist by profession. Outside the 4 corners of the laboratory, i cosplay, make costumes, do arts and crafts, do creative writing by storytelling and poetry, take photos and won campus photojournalism competitions since i was 10, i set up my first blog at age 12, i sing, i fly a drone, i openly share my faith as a devout Catholic, a dog mom of a Golden Retriever puppy, i make TikToks and lastly, you won’t believe it but yes….

I am a neurodivergent. I have ADHD.

I am 25 years old and I just got diagnosed roughly 3 weeks ago. When I hear ADHD, an image of a disruptive child is what comes to my mind so it never crossed my mind that i have one but that’s not all the case.

One random day i was scrolling through TikTok and i saw a video of a Psychology major student trying to guess what mental disorder each Marvel character probably has. In her video, she thinks Bruce Banner (The Hulk) might have ADHD. Aside from geeking out with the Marvel Cinematic Universe, knowing i am a scientist like Bruce Banner, i got really intrigued and decided to dive deep into what ADHD really is. HAHA SUPER RANDOM.

Upon reading the signs and symptoms of adult ADHD, i saw myself in almost all of them. And of course I doubted myself, so i hyperfocused and hyperfixated on all of the ADHD contents that whole week and i am so mindblown. I found amazing podcasts created by ADHDers and I binged-listen. I probably have already listened to more than a hundred podcast episodes and videos. (in speed 2x) This all happened quickly. Just the week before my diagnosis. I found out their experiences are almost all identical with mine.

Flash back last July, i fell into deep depression because of all of the things happening at the same time. I got so overwhelmed that i am no longer able to cope on my own. Around that time I finally decided to get some professional help. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and was prescribed with antidepressants.

Though it partially helped, deep inside i know there is still more than that. Something is missing but I don’t know what it is. Reading all of the things about ADHD, it felt like i found a huge piece of the puzzle that has been unsolvable all through my life. Now everything is making sense.

I spoke to my provider and she confirmed. Yes, i have ADHD and my depression is caused by my ADHD as well. (I won’t bore you with lecture about science and neurotransmitters now lol, maybe another time)

I didn’t enumerate all of my hobbies and achievements at the top to brag or anything like that. In fact, i am very much humbled. The things above all point to my symptoms.

People see me on the outside as someone who is so well put together but in reality, on the inside i’ve been living my life falling apart. I realized i’ve been unconsciously masking my symptoms so well. “Masking” the symptoms is very common to women with ADHD especially in adulthood. A reason why most get a late diagnosis, misdiagnosis due to comorbidities, or worst undiagnosed.

A part of me thought that living my everyday life like i was trying my best to breathe underwater is an illusion my mind has created since it seemed like i was the only one experiencing such thing. It seemed like no one can understand.

As I observe people in my field, my colleagues, my former classmates, communities i am a part of, and people around my age, I’ve always felt like i’m different, always singled out and set apart. No matter how much i try to blend in, no matter how much i try to move in sync with others, i never fit in. No matter how much i try to go with the flow, there has always been an innate stubbornness that always ends up making myself move against the current. It can be so isolating when no one can understand but It’s so comforting to know now that i am not the only one. I realized that these people, the ADHDers, are my people. My entire life i thought they are nonexistent.

I beat up myself too much because even though i can do several amazing things other people can’t, in the eye of the society i’m still a failure because i cannot keep up with what the society expects me to do. I struggle so much with all the simple and normal tasks other people can easily do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I got through college. I’ve always loved and excelled in Chemistry but my last years of college felt like i was always just winging things up hoping i’ll get lucky in every venture i take.

My hobbies on the other hand are actually my escape from my chaotic world (literally and figuratively). So many people told me i should just stick to one thing. That i am just wasting so much of my time, energy and money doing all the other things on the side. I am glad I didn’t listen. All i know is that i do all of these things because they give me joy. I pour all of my love, all of my heart, and all of my soul. Some gets so offended that I do so much but they didn’t know that this is the only way that worked with so many things i tried to cope.

Most of all, i know God has saved me so many times, especially on those times when i felt like giving up, He gives me hope that i will find the meaning and purpose of my life. That drive to pursue and push through. That all of my struggles will never ever be wasted.

My diagnosis is an answered prayer. The answer to all of my life’s questions. Why am i like this? Why do i do this? Why can’t i do that?

Instead of a disorder, i see it now as a gift that has been hidden and wrapped for 25 years just waiting to be found and be unwrapped. I’ve always thought that i am a factory defect. Turns out I was just working and functioning differently. Turns out i was just reading the wrong manual. The manual society created that was only made for the neurotypical brains. That my brain is not broken. It is just assembled differently, packaged in a special way.

Though there is still so much to learn and so much to discover, a part of me is mourning for the person that i could have been if only I knew much earlier, it could have save me from all the heartbreak and self-doubt.

But despite the past, what is more important is the now. Now i can finally be kinder and gentle to myself. I realized that the things i never liked about myself, are actually just the smallest atoms that make up the best parts of me. Now i am not going to walk blindly anymore.

I am a neurodivergent, I have ADHD.

All the love and prayers,

Mariella

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff they comfort me.

Mariella Lapid, RMT, MLS (ASCPi)

All glory and thanks to God